Updated: September 19, 2021

When you take responsibility for everyone and everything, wittingly or unwittingly, you can throw yourself into a cycle of anxiety, stress, and sometimes depression as well.

• You feel it’s your fault when other people feel bad.

• You feel you’re responsible for your parents’ marital conflicts.

• You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way.

• You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake.

• You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when it’s a team effort.

• You feel like you’re going to have a nervous breakdown when you hear about turbulent world events.

I know this one well. I took responsibility for everyone and everything for the better part of my life—to my own detriment. Does this belief govern your life and well-being as well?

Eventually, I learned this belief is just another fabrication of the mind that has no basis in reality.

“If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you’ll never enjoy the sunshine.”–Morris West

You’re Not Responsible for Everyone and Everything

When you fall prey to the belief that you’re responsible for everyone and everything, you’re not respecting interdependence and the fluid, ever-changing nature of our world. You can’t be responsible for everything because you are not autonomous. You are not a sole agent working exclusively under your own power.

You depend on all sorts of causes and conditions, just like a tree depends on a seed, water, and nutrients to grow. You couldn’t survive a day if it weren’t for the kindness of others.

Consider the glass of water you drink first thing in the morning. Where does it come from? How did it arrive in your hands? How many people participated in bringing it to you? I’m not talking about bottled water either, just the water that flows through the pipes into your house or apartment. Someone had to make the pipes, didn’t they? Someone had to dig the trenches for the pipes, didn’t they?

Likewise, every decision you make is influenced by your family or societal conditioning. The decisions you make today may be very different than the ones you made a decade ago due to the influence of your life experiences since then.

It’s the same for everyone else too. So, you cannot be responsible for everyone and everything. Everything is constantly evolving and changing in this intricate dance of interconnectedness, relationship, and mutual influence. For any occurrence, there are far more variables in play than you alone.

Feeling Responsible for Everything Makes You Suffer

But we forget interdependence or we’ve never heard of it to begin with. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents.

And so, some of us feel we’re responsible for everything, a pattern that was likely embedded in your brain and heart as a vulnerable child. It makes us tense, lacking in joy, and overcommitted, because we likely feel we need to fix everything as well. Then we suffer if we can’t.

Pause for a moment and look back at the last week. Recall any times you took responsibility for what you’re really not responsible for and consider how it impacted you. How did it feel? How much time did it waste away?

Or look at a situation that caused you to worry or feel anxious for another person. What beliefs feed that worry? Do you really believe you’re in charge and that your worry can change anything?

“People who are hurting don’t need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. What we need are patient, loving witnesses. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. People to stand in helpless vigil to our pain.”—Glennon Doyle

You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. But almost all of us take responsibility for more than our part, though it may appear on a subtle or subconscious level:

• We feel good when things go well

• We feel bad when things go badly

That’s a sign that we think we alone are responsible. It’s also an indicator of the way our moods can constantly be swinging up and down as externals change. But the truth is we can’t control everything.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t feel good when things go well. Just remember that many different factors came into play for that moment to arise, even the fact that your parents acted on their affinity for one another and gave you your life.

It’s impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. Anything that happens occurs as a result of many interlocking causes and conditions, over which you only have partial control.

It can be humbling to realize you’re not responsible for everything. It means living in alignment with the way the world is rather than according to a false belief likely planted in your mind as a child.

Letting go of over-responsibility will bring relief, acceptance and peace into your life.

The solution is simple though it might not be easy: Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming others. Just like you, others are subject to a complex set of causes and conditions so nothing is entirely their fault. That’s not to say they’re not responsible for their actions or shouldn’t be held accountable.

Take Self-Responsibility Instead

You’re not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. What do you have control over?

• Your thoughts

• Your words

• Your actions

Sometimes, it may not feel this way because you often act out of habit and long-standing mental and emotional patterns. But if you decide to take full responsibility for yourself, you can learn to step back from these patterns and make happier and healthier choices.

Stop beating yourself up for everything that goes wrong. Instead, commit to being fully responsible for yourself — for your own thoughts, words, and actions.

Of course, any kind of thought can arise in the mind, especially since you’ve been riding the same thought-trains for a long time. You don’t need to feel guilty about a single one. Just know you can choose whether to give it power or let it go.

Final Thoughts

Understanding the complex, interdependent quality of our relationships with ourselves, others, and the world, can help you let go of feeling you’re responsible for everyone and everything. Reflect on this profound idea often, until it becomes a part of your being.

When you embrace interdependence, you’ll be able to live from a place of peace and acceptance. You’ll naturally feel greater altruism, kindness, and compassion too.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live from love, compassion, and ease instead of beating yourself up every day?

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra