If you called me a “know it all” in my earlier years, you wouldn’t have been off base. I could be incredibly shy in new situations. But once I became familiar with the landscape, I didn’t hesitate to express my opinions.

Maybe that’s why I often ended up the boss or self-appointed leader. I felt comfortable telling people what to do and how to do it. 

That trait crossed over into my inter-personal relationships as well. I eagerly dished advice, stated my opinions, and didn’t hold back on criticism.

If only I could attribute my arrogant attitude to the folly of youth. But those tendencies stayed with me for decades. 

Eventually, I realized they brought more distress than happiness. They isolated me from others rather than connected me. They didn’t make me the most popular person in the room either.

She probably wouldn’t listen, but if I could give my younger self advice, I would tell her to avoid the following three communication habits at all cost. 

They’re all loss and no gain.

 1. Advice Giving

Most people don’t want unsolicited advice. They want the freedom to find their own solutions. They even want the freedom to make their own mistakes.

Your unsolicited advice:

• Won’t strengthen the other person’s decision making ability

• Won’t empower them

• Won’t help them grow in the ways making their own decision will

• Can lead to resentment, especially if it produces less than desirable results

• Can foster dependence if the individual is highly insecure

Bite your lip if you have to, but don’t give unsolicited advice. 

Listen. Be a nourishing presence. But don’t jump in with your own story and your own solutions.

Now, even when people ask me for advice, I try to turn it back on them with questions like:

• What do you think?

• What do you really think in your heart of hearts?

• What would you tell someone else in your own shoes?

Most of the time, people already have their own answer. They just need to look within. 

The answer may not be apparent immediately. They might need to reflect on the question for a while before a clear answer arises.

Sometimes, no answer is an answer itself. It can be a sign it’s not the right time to act. If you wait, clarity will reveal itself at the right moment.

Let people find their own answers.

“People who are hurting don’t need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. What we need are patient, loving witness. People to sit quietly and hold space for us.” — Glennon Doyle

2. Criticizing Others

Criticizing others will not help you improve yourself one iota. Indulging in this habit only distracts you from focusing on your own personal growth.

I cringed with embarrassment when a friend once told me how, after joining a new group, I constantly criticized how she ran it. It was years later when she divulged her perception of me. 

It’s far easier to see flaws in others than admit to your own. 

But it’s only through acknowledging and transforming your own failings that you can grow into the beautiful person you’re meant to be.

No matter how irksome a person’s fault might be in your mind, pointing it out won’t necessarily change it. The flaw you see as annoying may be seen as endearing by someone else. You don’t have the last word on the “truth.”

Your criticism can lead to hurt feelings, arguments, and defensiveness. That can block your personal growth too.

Criticizing others might make you feel one up, but it won’t make you a well-loved person.

There’s a place and time for honest feedback when it’s requested. But be sure to remember those last three words.

Decide to stop criticizing others. 

Instead, commit to working with your own mind and heart. Ferret out your own negative tendencies. Find ways to transform them. You’ll become more and more beautiful with each day that passes.

“It is much more valuable to look for the strength in others. You can gain nothing by criticizing their imperfections.”—Daisaku Ikeda

3. Arguing Your Opinion

It’s so tempting to argue one’s opinion in this time of great division. 

I often felt triggered at the start of the pandemic. I engaged in too many social media debates that frayed my nerves and led no where. I likely lost friends.

I know it’s not easy to refrain. 

I remember how anger rushed through my body when I was triggered by a comment. I felt the need to correct what I perceived to be false information. It felt like a life and death matter.

But in reality, it’s extremely difficult to change anyone’s opinion, especially in these times when so much disinformation circulates. 

What is the point in arguing with a close-minded person?

Endless arguments only keep stress chemicals coursing madly through your body. They make the divide worse not better.

Interestingly, when I would go back to a conversation a few days later, I would sometimes see that in my fury I had partially misread the person. Or I might suddenly be blessed to see the problem through their eyes even if I still disagreed with their conclusion.

Does that mean you should be without opinions?

Not all.

Share your opinions freely with verified data to back them up. Write about them on social media or on your own blog.

But when it comes to inter-personal relationships, learn to tread carefully. If you see an opening, move forward. If not, move back. Be willing to listen first instead of arguing your position as right. Be willing to put yourself in another person’s shoes. 

I’ve wasted too much time and energy on hopeless arguments. No more.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply.”—Stephen Covey

Work on Yourself Instead

Instead of projecting your energy onto others, bring it back to yourself. 

What motivates you to give advice, criticize, or opine? Is it a healthy motivation?

There are many psychological reasons people fall into these less desirable verbal behaviors.

For example: 

• They’re egocentric enough to think they’re always right

• They’re not able to see the situation from another person’s perspective

• They’re an over-giver who derives their self-esteem from fixing other people’s problems

• Enacting these behaviors makes them feel smarter or more special than others

• They’re a natural problem solver

• They want to maintain or regain a sense of order and control

If you engage in the verbal habits, look within to find the motivating force. Often, we develop these kinds of behaviors as survival mechanisms in childhood.

Make it a practice to stop engaging in these unhelpful verbal behaviors. And you’ll grow all the more if you find and heal the motivating force behind them.

Closing Thoughts

It’s easy to adopt verbal habits that mysteriously make us feel better about ourselves, but threaten our popularity with others.

The three I’ve struggled with include:

1. Advice Giving

2. Criticizing Others

3. Arguing My Opinion

With time and experience though, I found these verbal habits made my life more bitter than sweet. I’ve changed my ways, which makes me feel pretty certain you can too.

[Photo by Aleksandra Mazur on Unsplash]

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

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