We all feel envy at times. An acquaintance gets a shiny new car, a colleague nets a promotion, or a close friend falls deeply in love.

We notice. Envy passes through us for a moment. Then it’s gone. 

But for some, envy is not so simple. 

Envy in it’s more habitual and potentially destructive form is usually rooted in low self-esteem. When you truly believe you’re not good enough, you automatically feel envious of others. 

This can manifest in different ways.

For example, your envy might be vocal—you deride the success of others either silently to yourself or out loud to others. Or you might deny your envy and seek out whatever you feel is lacking within yourself. Alternatively, you might be the competitive type, and attempt to prove you are indeed the best.

Whatever it might be, your response to envy stems from feeling you don’t measure up and there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

I would never have identified myself as an envious person. But when I took a deeper look, I found I was indeed powered by a sense of lack. And envy was like a very quiet but ever-present companion. 

Living from a place of envy is never ideal. 

It can lead to creating a false persona, one that you hope will be more acceptable and thus be loved and appreciated. It can lead you to overwork in an effort to prove your worthiness. It can lead you to be highly competitive in ways that might not be truly satisfying to you.

In the Complete Enneagram, 27 Paths to Greater Knowledge, Beatrice Chestnut, PhD, identifies a series of self-rejecting beliefs that lead to envy. I’ve selected five of the most common ones to explore based on my own experience. I hope you will find them helpful too.

1. I will always be rejected or abandoned by others

If you’re fundamentally flawed, it follows you’ll always be rejected or abandoned by others—maybe not at first, but sometime down the line. So, you may always worry that someday you’ll be “found out” for who you really are—the unworthy and unlovable one.

As a child, I remember sitting alone and picking the petals off a flower while reciting: “They love me, they love me not.” Other times, I indulged fantasies of being kidnapping or diagnosed with a rare illness. Surely, such a dramatic event would make my parents sit up straight and love me at last.

Clearly, this kind of self-rejecting belief can start at an early age and continue into adulthood. Unless you consciously intervene, this type of false idea will unconsciously flavor the decisions you make on your life path, usually not in the best of ways.

When you believe you’ll always be rejected or abandoned, you naturally feel envious of those who have a more stable and lasting love or are appreciated for their talents and held in high regard.

2. I yearn to be loved, but I know it’s not possible, I’m unlovable

Everyone else deserves love, but not you. 

Holding this belief can cause you to act in ways that block the possibility of love, make it impossible to believe someone loves you when they do, or lead you to sabotage a relationship. 

Maybe you dress in dowdy ways so you don’t attract attention. Or perhaps you leave a relationship at the first sign of difficulty because it’s better to reject than be rejected. In my own case, I couldn’t allow myself to feel love even though love was available to me. 

There’s always some conflict in a relationship. Thus, you can use the smallest discord as ammunition to prove, once again, you’re not lovable. You knew it would come to this.

When you believe you’re not lovable, it’s easy to be envious of those who are obviously loved and adored.

3. Since a particular person no longer loves me, there must be something wrong with me

If things aren’t working out in a relationship, do you try to adjust yourself to be more pleasing to your partner? Are you suddenly buying sexy lingerie, cooking extravagant meals, or accommodating your partner in some other way to attempt to correct your self-perceived deficiencies?

If someone leaves you, do you go into contortions attempting to examine all the ways you were not good enough in the relationship? 

Someone else might be mad at their wayward partner, let go, and focus on creating a new life. You, on the other hand, take years to get over a break up because you’re examining, over and over again, all the ways you did not measure up.

When you believe there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, it’s easy to be envious of those who have happy relationships or the self-esteem to get over a break up with relative speed.

4. If someone shows interest in me, there must be something wrong with them

I always feel suspicious when someone takes an interest in me. I know all my quirks, so I can’t understand why anyone would want to be with me.

Are you like that too?

Once an old flame re-appeared in my life. From a distance, he constantly expressed how much he loved me back then. 

It made me worry about his mental health. I also wondered if it was safe to stay in touch with him. 

One of my friends loved the idea that there was a person in the world that loved me so much—clear evidence that I was completely wrong in how I thought about myself. But what does she know?

When you believe people have to be messed up to love you, it can be easy to feel envious of people who easily let love in.

5. I can’t get what others have because there’s something fundamentally wrong with me

Do you feel envious of others because they have what you do not? Do you feel you can’t get ahead in life because there’s something fundamentally wrong with you?

You want success, respect, and happiness, but then you sabotage yourself.

You won’t get that promotion so why even try? You won’t win that writing contest, so why even enter? You won’t get a second look from that guy, so why even say hello to him?

Or perhaps you use those opportunities to fill a perceived lack or compete to prove you’re really okay, you’re really the best. If you fail, it’s just more evidence there really is something fundamentally wrong with you. If you win, it’s still not definitive proof you’re okay.

It’s easy to feel envious of people who have the things you want, but think you’ll never get.

5 Ways to Counteract Envy

As insidious as envy can be, it’s an important sign you need to improve your self-esteem and eradicate any false beliefs you hold about your unworthiness.

Here are five ways you can begin to overcome these deeply held but incorrect ideas about yourself.

1. Tell yourself that you’re enough exactly as you are.

2. Make a list of your positive qualities and celebrate them.

3. Notice and enjoy all the positive aspects of your life.

4. Stop comparing yourself to others.

5. Allow yourself to receive love. Tell yourself you deserve deep connection with others.

The mind is pliable. We can change the beliefs we hold about ourselves. It takes time and repetition, but it’s more than possible. 

Closing Thoughts

Envy is often rooted in a lack of self-esteem. It can become self-destructive when it leads you to adjust yourself to be more acceptable or drives you to overwork or compete to prove yourself.

If you want to uproot envy, look at any false beliefs you hold about your own worthiness. These are five common ones I’ve been held captive by myself:

1. I will always be rejected or abandoned by others

2. I yearn to be loved, but I know it’s not possible, I’m unlovable

3. Since a particular person no longer loves me, there must be something wrong with me

4. If someone shows interest in me, there must be something wrong with them

5. I can’t get what others have because there’s something fundamentally wrong with me

These beliefs aren’t true. You’re not deficient. You deserve love, happiness, and success as much as anyone else. Take some time to turn them around, again and again, until you come to truly appreciate and love yourself.

Then, envy will no longer stand a chance to disrupt your confidence.

Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious!  Don’t forget to  sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self. 

You might also like to check out my  Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always.  With love, Sandra