What It Means to Have An Anxious Attachment Style
In my mid-twenties, I had a sudden realization. I felt like a complete mess in romantic relationships.
Whereas, on my own, I felt fairly confident and secure.
I didn’t know why.
But it prompted me to swear off romance for a while. I turned my attention towards work and regular adventures with close female friends.
I wasn’t aware at the time, but I had consistently made poor choices when it came to romantic partners. So, of course, I had little chance of establishing a secure and happy connection.
A few years later, when I began dating again, I continued with the bad choices. I never took my time and assessed a potential partner to determine whether they were capable of a mature, loving relationship.
As soon as I felt a spark of attraction, I quickly let things heat up.
Eventually, I got into a long-term relationship. It had beautiful sides. But, it was rife with turbulence too.
If I had known about “attachment theory” and my own attachment style (anxious), it would have saved me so much relationship pain and misery over decades of my life.
I’d like to share what I’ve learned about having an anxious attachment style. Perhaps, my experience will help you avoid the same painful mistakes.
A Quick Primer on Attachment Theory
“Attachment” refers to the emotional bond an infant forms with its primary caregiver(s).
Once set, your early attachment style most often continues to influence your close interpersonal relationships throughout life. Therefore, “Attachment” also refers to the emotional bond you have in close relationships as an adult.
The four main attachment styles include:
Anxious
Secure
Avoidant
Anxious-Avoidant
Although most people continue the same attachment style from childhood into adult life, an individual’s style can change due to life experiences.
Psychologist and Trauma Expert, Annie Tanasugarn, PhD, describes the four attachment styles like this:
“Thus, those with an Anxious attachment often worry that their partner is going to leave them and are often seen as ‘clingy’, demanding, or ‘needy’ in the relationship. People with a more Avoidant attachment style often do not seem as interested in engaging in relationships, may come off as aloof or ‘hard to get’, and prefer to be alone without the need to rely on others. And, people with a more Disorganized attachment style will tend to vacillate between being seen as ‘clingy’ on one hand and ambivalent or indifferent on the other.”
And then, of course, those with a Secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are generally warm-hearted and loving.
Neuroscientists believe the attachment system consists of neural networks in the brain and that the hormone oxytocin plays a role in infant-caregiver bonding as well as romantic connection.
As an adult, this attachment system in your brain tracks your sense of safety in relation to your partner and sends a signal when it perceives a threat.
Your attachment style isn’t the only factor that effects the quality of your romantic relationships. But, it plays a significant role.
Understanding the Anxious Attachment Style
If you have a secure attachment style, you may not need to learn about attachment theory. Chances are, you’re in a safe, secure, and relatively happy relationship.
But if, like me, you have an anxious attachment style, understanding how your attachment system works can help you make better relationship choices.
Because attachment style is not fixed. It can be changed.
In Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love, Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A., explain that people who have an anxious attachment style have an extra sensitive attachment system in the brain.
They’re more likely to pick up on subtle cues and can find it extremely difficult to calm down when their sense of attachment is threatened. Once their attachment system is activated, they’re overcome by a need to re-establish their connection with their partner.
That describes me to a T.
After my romantic hiatus, I connected with an attractive, passionate man. He seemed entranced by me in one moment and distant in the next.
One time, when I hadn’t heard from him for a few days, I furiously drove to his cabin, a place I had never previously visited. I pounded on the door and peered into the windows.
I couldn’t tolerate the distance and the uncertainty. I felt consumed by the need to re-establish my connection with him.
I’ve never disclosed this behavior previously. It’s embarrassing to admit to it. But in that moment, I felt driven to reconnect with him as if it were a life and death matter.
Over the years, I manifested any number of insecure behaviors, consistent with anxious attachment, in romantic relationships.
For example, I would:
Leave my schedule open so I could be available to a prospective date or partner, foregoing possible plans with friends.
Go into a panic when, during an argument, my partner wanted space and withdrew.
Become extremely nervous when my partner didn’t return home on time or didn’t meet me at a pre-designated time when we were out.
Engage in activities I didn’t necessarily enjoy in order to remain close to him.
Cry for hours at any hint of things gone wrong in the relationship.
Stay in a relationship with a man who expressed ambivalence, waiting for him to decide whether he would stay or go, hoping beyond hope he would choose me.
Suffer for months (sometimes years) after a break-up. Rationally, I might know the person isn’t right for me, but I couldn’t fully let go.
For another perspective, Ellen Nguyen describes her experience of anxious attachment like this:
“I was in lots of emotional and spiritual pain almost every day. I couldn’t enjoy anything because of my intense anxiety. I got attached to unavailable guys who treated me badly. I went through heartbreak after heartbreak. I hated my job and my life.”
Anxious attachment is not the same as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s anxiety related to inter-personal relationships not life in general.
But, like Nguyen experienced, your overriding need to maintain a love attachment can affect your work, your friendships, and every other aspect of your life.
The Wrong Partner Will Keep You Anxious
I only learned about Attachment Theory in recent years, after a painful break up.
I felt reassured. I wasn’t insane after all!
I simply have an overly sensitive attachment system rooted in my brain. And, it seems, I had consistently chosen men who most likely had an avoidant attachment style or lay somewhere on that spectrum.
This is not a good match for a person with an anxious attachment style.
A person with an avoidant attachment style will only feed the insecurities of a person with an anxious attachment style. Their inconsistent behavior will activate the attachment system in your brain, sending you into panic mode time and again.
Whereas a person with a secure attachment style will readily calm your fears without a hint of resistance and resentment. As a result, when in relationship with a person with a secure style, you have a chance of establishing a more secure attachment style yourself.
Reassurance from a partner can bring swift relief when you feel anxious about your connection. This is easily given by a secure partner but difficult for an avoidant one.
It’s not that a person with an avoidant style is “bad.” They’re just not a good match for a person with an anxious attachment style.
You Can Change Your Attachment Style
We didn’t chose our attachment style as children. But we can change it, to a significant degree, as an adult.
If you’re already in a relationship with a person who has an avoidant attachment style, you can work on changing your attachment styles together. This requires willingness on both parts. You would likely benefit from the assistance of a therapist or coach.
Or, if you’re on your own, you can work on yourself.
When Ellen Nguyen hit rock bottom after many failed relationships, she decided to turn her life around.
She:
Did a hard reset. She quit all contact with men and rebuilt the foundation of her life with better principles, habits, and mindsets.
Invested herself in therapy.
Changed her lifestyle by quitting alcohol and engaging in hobbies and activities that created a sense of stability and security.
Published a book which helped her reclaim her power.
Built a positive relationship with her self, in part by writing emails to her future self.
During that time, Nuen established clear standards for what she wanted in a romantic partnership. She’s now happily married.
Whereas, it seems like I have come full circle back to that time in my mid-twenties when I recognized I’m full and complete on my own, but with the added advantage of understanding my attachment style.
I’m not looking for a romantic partner. But, like in the past, should I bump into someone and feel a spark, I won’t immediately merge with an unknown quantity. Instead, I’ll take time and examine whether he’s a safe and secure haven for my heart.
Closing Thoughts
If you find yourself anxious and worried in romantic relationships, it might be helpful to learn the basics of Attachment Theory and how an anxious attachment style plays out.
Ironically, people with an anxious attachment style frequently end up with avoidant partners. An avoidant partner will feed your insecurities so you rarely feel safe and secure.
Fortunately, you’re not stuck in the attachment style you developed as a child.
You have options:
You can work on yourself so you feel more confident and secure in romantic relationships.
You can establish a relationship with a person who has a secure attachment style. This can help you develop a more secure style yourself.
If they’re willing, you can work together with an avoidant partner to both develop a more secure attachment style
You can choose to be alone and feel complete and content.
A relationship can feel like a battleground if your attachment styles are at odds. Or it can, more often than not, feel like a peaceful haven if your styles are in sync.
Understanding what it means to have an anxious attachment style can make a radical difference in your future romantic choices.
Sources: Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love, Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.
[Photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash]
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