Do You Know Your Most Important Needs and Wants?
Have you abandoned yourself in a relationship with another person – a spouse, lover, friend, boss, or spiritual teacher? If so, you’ve probably lost sight of your own needs and wants.
You may have been in a codependent relationship as the helper, a narcissistic relationship as the victim, or a family relationship trying to meet parental expectations. Or maybe you’re still in a relatively good relationship in which you tend to compromise more than your partner.
You can recover from a toxic or unhealthy relationship, and never enter another one again. One of the first steps to recover is to begin to articulate your own needs and wants.
Why is this important? Without consciously engaging in a healing process, re-establishing your identity, and reclaiming your power, you’re in danger of repeating the cycle and re-entering another damaging relationship.
So let’s get to know your needs and wants.
What Is a Want? What Is a Need?
So, what is a want? What is a need?
According to the Meriam-Webster dictionary:
A need is “a physiological or psychological requirement for the well-being of an organism.”
To want is to “to have a strong desire for.”
A need is a requirement, it’s essential to your health and well-being.
A desire may also be extremely important to your well being, but it can sometimes be fulfilled in alternative ways. Or, you can consciously choose to focus on a different desire. The problem comes when you abandon your desires entirely in a relationship.
For example, if you always put others first, you may have given up your need for rest or time for exercise, which can have a detrimental effect in the short and long run.
Or, you may have given up your desire to pursue your own profession because your partner told you he wanted you to stay home. Or maybe he said you’re not good enough to achieve success. This kind of sacrifice can eat at your soul.
How to Get Back to You
A very simple exercise that will help you get back to who you really are is to make a list of your needs and wants.
Use two different pieces of paper or draw two columns on a single sheet and label the first “needs” and the second “wants.”
You could approach this exercise in brain dump style and list whatever comes to your mind in one go, and in no particular order. When you feel complete for the moment, set the lists aside but leave them in an accessible place. Continue to add to your lists over the next few days as more needs and wants come to your mind.
Read More: How to Declutter Your Mind with a Brain Dump
Or you could do this exercise using categories. I like these categories: physical, mental/intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. Use these or create your own set of categories, ones that resonate with you.
As an example, here’s a short list of needs by the categories listed above. It’s not exhaustive because I want to give you the space to come up with your own needs and wants.
Remember, there are no right or wrong ways to do this. You are doing this exercise to understand yourself, not to meet another person’s expectations. So be utterly honest with yourself.
Physical Needs
Rest
Hydration
Safety
Soothing when stressed (self-soothing counts)
Mental/Intellectual Needs
Intellectual stimulation
Peace and space
Emotional Needs
Healthy Connection
Beauty
Respect (self-respect + respect from others)
Spiritual Needs
Quiet time
Self-Awareness
Learning
Repeat this exercise for your wants.
Once you’ve completed your lists, here are some additional ways to work with them and journaling questions to help you better understand yourself.
How did it feel to list your wants and needs?
Acknowledge the needs and wants you honor and fulfill by placing a symbol next to them like a star or a bright dot.
Acknowledge the needs and wants you neglect by placing a symbol next to them like a different color dot or a dash. This can serve as a reminder to return to and address them.
What do you want to do next about your unmet needs and desires? Take it one step at a time.
If you’re still in the relationship, how would you feel talking to your partner, parent, or boss about one or more of your unmet needs or wants? How realistic is it to expect your needs and wants will be met in this relationship? Never put yourself in a dangerous situation or talk to this individual if it might result in ridicule, humiliation, or physical harm. Answering this question for yourself, however, can tell you a lot about the health and safety of a particular relationship.
What causes you to abandon yourself in relationship? Why and how do you give yourself away? What steps can you take to change that?
If you don’t know all your needs and wants right away, that’s okay. Give yourself time. Denying yourself may have become a deeply embedded habit. So ask yourself several times a day, “What do I need right now? What do I want right now?” Learning to get in touch with your needs and wants will get easier with practice.
The initial purpose of this list is to help you understand yourself. The point isn’t to immediately share it with your partner, friend, or family member. Instead, find ways to begin to express your needs and wants step-by-step, day-by-day.
Healthy Compromise or Self-Abandonment?
We all make compromises in relationships. When does healthy compromise turn into unhealthy self-abandonment? Sometimes, it can be hard to know.
But if you’re constantly abandoning parts of yourself to meet someone else’s expectations or to avoid their judgment, criticism, ridicule, or even physical abuse, you have crossed a line. If you’re constantly making excuses for someone in the hopes they’ll change when they haven’t so far, it’s time to realize you’re living in a fantasy, not in reality.
Remember, no one can make you abandon yourself. This is a pattern in you that you need to acknowledge, heal, and change if you want to live a happier and healthier life. It’s possible to reclaim yourself, but it’s up to you to begin. And a great place to start is by getting in touch with your needs and wants.
However, if you’re the victim of abuse or in a relationship with a narcissist, it may be dangerous to stand up for yourself or even talk about your own needs and wants. If you need help or support, in the US call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or use their chat or text options describe on its website.
Your Thoughts?
Do you feel in touch with your needs and wants, or is this a new exercise for you? I would love to hear in the comments.
Thank you for your presence, I know your time is precious! Don’t forget to sign up for Wild Arisings, my twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas to help you connect with and live from your truest self.
You might also like to check out my Living with Ease course or visit my Self-Care Shop. May you be happy, well, and safe – always. With love, Sandra
